Cleaning the Floor and Publishing
There is a thread here that it is about contentment. It is also about egolessness.
It is my favorite part of day. I do not remember the last time I was able to enjoy it. 3:30-4:30ish, home; nowhere else physically or mentally. I note the position of the sun no matter the time of year and the sound of silence throughout the house.
Cleaning is my most productive time of thought. I realize my need for more time in the studio is a need for more time to conceptualize – which is not about being in the studio necessarily. It is about being home, being with the mountain and all of my home-life.
As I am vacuuming ash dust from the wood burning stove, small bits of bark from logs and unceasing puffs of cat hair, I feel how much I miss being here. I am between the studio and teaching constantly, which I love to no end…. but time passes.
As another birthday is nearing I am struck by the immense rapid trajectory of time. From there – my mind jumps to women in the 21st century, their visibility, strength and confidence. The backlash of not being heard or listened to for so long that we run the risk of becoming “woman-splainers” to prove the worth of what we have done and what we are doing. This possibility, in all of its major and minor forms Morse codes through my mind. I have seen that behavior already. My mind turns to publishing.
>Vacuuming > publishing<. Italian American, first generation to go to college. Wise enough, now, to understand how much the universal “we” do things because of “how we will look”. I think that when I was younger I did things automatically thinking “what is this shit?” Now, I don’t do those things but they are still punctuated with “What is this shit?”
In conversation with a dear friend; our discussion touches on the publishing of my (and others) research, we talk about that and then go on to other topics. Rumination later sets in. A sentence fills my body, “Publishing is asking for permission”.
To publish is to ask for permission from some entity “out there” to “Ok” what you are thinking, theorizing, knowing, as a result of your research. It is an act of ego. One could say it is necessary in academia. However, none of that changes the ego’s drive for approval of what it has “found” and its connection to others.
Why did I land on publishing? Most do not know the research I have been doing as part of my studio practice. Publishing has been suggested. Something I considered for some time until that epiphany about approval.
Yes, I revert back to the thought, “What is this shit”? I do not need anyone’s approval for what I know. >Shocking< . I have the information and it will manifest in various forms. To create a path that is ultimately about building an arena of acceptance for what I have done seems ludicrous. The entire push for approval of what I do, based on what others have done in comparison, is an immense waste of time. Particularly now, in our worlds – in our cultures – we have to ask ourselves what is the best use of our time? Who does our time serve and why?
Systems of proving what I have done for the acceptance of others is not the rule of my game. Those systems need to be deconstructed – that’s my rule, now, in the 21st Century.